I am in a relationship that is dishonoring to the woman that I AM. In this relationship I have allowed myself to be lied to, cheated on, manipulated, humiliated and abused. I fell in love with someone's spirit and overlooked the person attached to that spirit. Now, I am living with the results of this decision.
Why don't I leave? I have wondered the same thing myself for nine and a half years. Today, I realized that I stay because I am addicted. I stay because if I don't heal what brought me here, I will simply relive this nightmare in my next relationship. It is possible that I stay out of sheer habit. As I stated above, it has been over nine years.
I do not blame him for any of my pain. I now understand that he is simply incapable of being what I want him to be. . .what I require of a partner, lover and spouse. I wanted to force him into this role. I wanted to be with him so badly that I allowed myself to be treated poorly in order to be with him. I didn't value who I AM. I didn't understand that I am to be cherished and adored. Nor did I understand that if he didn't cherish, love and adore me that I should cherish, love and adore myself until the man that would cherish, love and adore me showed up.
It may seem to you that I blame myself for this mess. The truth is that I do not place blame. I accept responsibility for my part in this. I see the healing that I have done and the healing that still needs to be done. I also accept responsibility for the healing still needs to be done as well as for getting my needs met. I alone have that responsibility. If I do not make my needs known, they will not get met.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to endure such abuse. I forgive myself for not understanding my worth. I forgive myself for not valuing myself. I forgive myself for forgetting who I AM. I commit to adoring and cherishing myself for the rest of my life.
Saturday, April 22, 2006
Thursday, April 13, 2006
Selfish is NOT a Dirty Word
I know. We treat it as if it is. Telling someone they're selfish is about the worst insult one can give. I, however, plan to be incredibly selfish for the rest of my life. Yes, this is a good thing. Having a healthy dose of selfishness is the only way that you will have anything at all to contribute to anyone, anywhere at any time. I learned this lesson vividly since having my daughter.
I went back to work (against my better judgment) after seven weeks while she was still breastfeeding every two hours around the clock. I worked from home, so I didn't have a schedule or specific hours to keep me sane. Did I mention that there was cooking, cleaning and being a wife that I also had to contend with? After she was six months old, my job and I decided we were no longer a match for each other. Did I sit down and rest? No, I went back to school because I couldn't just do nothing. OK...any parent in the world (especially a mother who breastfed) will know that I was doing far from nothing. She was still nursing every two hours around the clock and not eating solid foods. No, this baby was not sleeping through the night yet.
Did I take any time for myself? No.
Eight months later, I found myself pregnant with my second child and going to school and caring for a toddler while my marriage was falling apart. Did I take any time for myself? Of course not. If I take time for myself, who will care for my daughter? Who will clean? Who will do the laundry, go grocery shopping or worry about all of the stuff that's not getting done and how to do it? A bit insane, I will admit, but don't pretend you haven't been there. I know you have.
So, I bet you're wondering in all of this, how I came to the conclusion that selfishness was not only OK, but a good thing. Well, I will tell you. One day, in the midst of a broken marriage, stress, final exams, loneliness, confusion, a sick (and therefore cranky) child and pregnancy hormones I lost it. Yep! Completely lost it. Threw some things, yelled, cried, screamed, cried, screamed some more and curled up in a ball to sob. The problem here is that I was completely alone with my daughter at the time. She wasn't in the room with me, but she was in the house. I had to quickly pull myself together when I realized that my husband did indeed walk out the door and leave me his daughter playing in another room while her mother was huddled crying in a corner alone, so that I would be able to take care of her. The problem is that I couldn't take care of her. It took HUGE amounts of strength not to cry at every second. Finally, over the course of the next two days, he cared for her while giving me the space to lose my mind while knowing she was taken care of.
I realized, in the midst of all of this, that I only have me. My children only have me to take care of them and if I am empty, I have nothing to give them. I cannot care for them properly if I have not properly cared for myself. In the emotional state that I was in, I had absolutely nothing to give my daughter. I could hardly breathe without crying. That was no state in which to care for a child, especially a toddler. I must be selfish and take time to care for myself in order to properly care for those I love.
You are a vessel of love. Your job is to pour love into the world; specifically into the lives of your loved ones and friends. You cannot give what you do not have. If you are empty because you have given all of your love away, you must take the time to replenish. Otherwise, you will be pouring from an empty vessel. Not to mention that there may come a time when the vessel cracks from continually trying to squeeze something from it that's not there.
Be boldly and unapologetically selfish! It's the only way to live and love.
I went back to work (against my better judgment) after seven weeks while she was still breastfeeding every two hours around the clock. I worked from home, so I didn't have a schedule or specific hours to keep me sane. Did I mention that there was cooking, cleaning and being a wife that I also had to contend with? After she was six months old, my job and I decided we were no longer a match for each other. Did I sit down and rest? No, I went back to school because I couldn't just do nothing. OK...any parent in the world (especially a mother who breastfed) will know that I was doing far from nothing. She was still nursing every two hours around the clock and not eating solid foods. No, this baby was not sleeping through the night yet.
Did I take any time for myself? No.
Eight months later, I found myself pregnant with my second child and going to school and caring for a toddler while my marriage was falling apart. Did I take any time for myself? Of course not. If I take time for myself, who will care for my daughter? Who will clean? Who will do the laundry, go grocery shopping or worry about all of the stuff that's not getting done and how to do it? A bit insane, I will admit, but don't pretend you haven't been there. I know you have.
So, I bet you're wondering in all of this, how I came to the conclusion that selfishness was not only OK, but a good thing. Well, I will tell you. One day, in the midst of a broken marriage, stress, final exams, loneliness, confusion, a sick (and therefore cranky) child and pregnancy hormones I lost it. Yep! Completely lost it. Threw some things, yelled, cried, screamed, cried, screamed some more and curled up in a ball to sob. The problem here is that I was completely alone with my daughter at the time. She wasn't in the room with me, but she was in the house. I had to quickly pull myself together when I realized that my husband did indeed walk out the door and leave me his daughter playing in another room while her mother was huddled crying in a corner alone, so that I would be able to take care of her. The problem is that I couldn't take care of her. It took HUGE amounts of strength not to cry at every second. Finally, over the course of the next two days, he cared for her while giving me the space to lose my mind while knowing she was taken care of.
I realized, in the midst of all of this, that I only have me. My children only have me to take care of them and if I am empty, I have nothing to give them. I cannot care for them properly if I have not properly cared for myself. In the emotional state that I was in, I had absolutely nothing to give my daughter. I could hardly breathe without crying. That was no state in which to care for a child, especially a toddler. I must be selfish and take time to care for myself in order to properly care for those I love.
You are a vessel of love. Your job is to pour love into the world; specifically into the lives of your loved ones and friends. You cannot give what you do not have. If you are empty because you have given all of your love away, you must take the time to replenish. Otherwise, you will be pouring from an empty vessel. Not to mention that there may come a time when the vessel cracks from continually trying to squeeze something from it that's not there.
Be boldly and unapologetically selfish! It's the only way to live and love.
Sunday, April 02, 2006
Forever?
Today, a beloved teacher and dear, dear friend of mine reminded me of a very important lesson; nothing in life is forever. I have stayed away from making decisions for fear of making the wrong decision. What if...? That question comes around to haunt us more than we'd like to admit. What if I decide to stay in this relationship and it doesn't improve? What if I decide to leave and realize that I made a mistake? What if I leave this job and cannot find another? What if I stay here (and am miserable) for 25 years and get fired 6 months before retirement? What if I confront my friend about how I feel and I lose my friendship with her? What if I don't and I lose my personal power from shrinking away?
How do you handle 'What if...'? Make a decision. Whatever the decision, you can always change it later if you find that you are unhappy. After all, the goal in this life is to be happy. I know, that sounds terribly selfish. The truth is, it is selfish and we should be selfish, but that's a topic for another enrty. :) Nothing is forever. You are entitled to change your mind...make a new decision. If you don't like where you are, move. It's that simple. Simple and easy are not synonymous, however. When I say simple, I mean uncomplicated, uncluttered, direct. Easy implies that it does not take energy, effort and courage. This is not the case by any means. To make a new decision requires that you acknowledge that your original decision did not work the way you planned. You made a mistake. I know, that's a bad word. We will, however, all make them over and over again. I tell my daughter to make lots of mistakes as long as she learns from them. That's what we are here for. We are here to have experiences. It is not fair to our journey to run from or avoid experiences for fear of making a mistake. We get infinite mulligans in this game. Play your heart out.
How do you handle 'What if...'? Make a decision. Whatever the decision, you can always change it later if you find that you are unhappy. After all, the goal in this life is to be happy. I know, that sounds terribly selfish. The truth is, it is selfish and we should be selfish, but that's a topic for another enrty. :) Nothing is forever. You are entitled to change your mind...make a new decision. If you don't like where you are, move. It's that simple. Simple and easy are not synonymous, however. When I say simple, I mean uncomplicated, uncluttered, direct. Easy implies that it does not take energy, effort and courage. This is not the case by any means. To make a new decision requires that you acknowledge that your original decision did not work the way you planned. You made a mistake. I know, that's a bad word. We will, however, all make them over and over again. I tell my daughter to make lots of mistakes as long as she learns from them. That's what we are here for. We are here to have experiences. It is not fair to our journey to run from or avoid experiences for fear of making a mistake. We get infinite mulligans in this game. Play your heart out.
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