Ouch...

So, I've touted myself on being the 'superior' emotional experience in relationship to my husband. I mean, you've read about all of the bad stuff he's done. Noble me; I tended my emotional self while he misbehaved. Well, I got a good spanking this weekend.

My husband's a chef and a VERY talented one at that. He's dedicated to turning his skills and knowledge into a business of his own. Recently, he has partnered with a talented young lady who is a spectacular social networker to increase his clientele. This is a FABULOUS idea by the way. I am on board and highly supportive of this idea. That is, until he wants to cook for her, her husband AND her two children.

I'm typically a generous person. You have to understand, however, that I have had the experience of my husband cooking six course meals for 50 people and these people being too full by the time the entree arrives to eat much of anything else. The entire time this is happening, I have this sinking feeling of seeing grocery money being thrown in the trash.

So, he tells me his elaborate menu and I'm privately hyperventillating. At some point during the day of the dinner, my smart alek higher self says to me, "You're some supportive wife! Your husband has this brilliant idea to build his business to support YOU and his children and your idea of supporting him is to shoot holes in his idea. Oh! This isn't the first time either."

Ouch...

Oh, she's right. Of course, she always is right. I intend to be more diligent about being supportive, rather than just sounding supportive. I shall praise his ideas. I intend to only offer suggestions that build upon the brilliance of his idea.

The dinner was a smashing success, by the way. We left with new acquaintences and had a fantastic brainstorming session. We may even have formed some new business alliances for ourselves.

Oh how I love growing!

Struggle is Optional

Recently, God told me that I would get here anyway. I have three beautiful children and am blissfully involved in a beautiful marriage. I'm finally a certified (Wellness) coach and I even know what I want to be when I grow up. Life is unfolding nicely before me and opportunities are abundant.

WOW! I'm delighted.

When I look back, I see that I struggled the entire way. I spent years and immeasurable energy living either in the future, the past, in envy or in fear. The only thing I felt I'd gained from all of this struggle was strife and some delicious stories.

Today, while sitting in the silence, listening to God, I was told that I would have arrived at this level of bliss anyway AND I would have gotten here sooner and with more toys had I not insisted on struggling.

The struggle was with a purpose, though. In the next phase of my life as a transformation facilitator, I will be able to tell women that they can triumph through anything because I have. Without my life and its challenges, I would just be someone with theories. Instead, I am an Empress with tried and true tools who can facilitate transformation in any area of life.

A Commitment Made

Well, the next step for me was anger and it lasted a whole 18 months. At the time of my last post, I was 9 months pregnant with my second son and I was shifting from hopeless and helpless to angry. Actually, 'mad as hell' would be more appropriate. Abraham says to reach for the better feeling thought. Well, angry felt better than any thought I'd previously felt about my relationship.


Many people and tools came along to offer me an opportunity to honor my commitment. I am a firm believer that when one makes a commitment, the entire Universe rearranges itself in order to assist in the fulfillment of said commitment. Be mindful of what you commit to. I'd committed to loving myself and I had become angry for a time in order to live up to that commitment.

I didn't fully honor the commitment, though. Instead, I poured my entire self into nurturing my children. I'd made a very strong commitment, however. Anger is a very compelling emotion. The Universe would be sure that I honored this commitment since I had not created a strong emotion to counter act it. My full energy and attention had been on nurturing the children and vilifying my husband. Finally, I was faced with the option of honoring the commitment and maintaining the status quo.

My husband and I separated because I could not honor that commitment and maintain that relationship in the state it was in. From approximately 400 miles away I continued to attempt to manipulate my husband into being what I thought I wanted and needed him to be in order for us to be a happy couple. One day, while harboring some very unpleasant feelings toward him, I said to him, "I just want you to be happy." In response, God asked me, 'Are you sure?' Well, this was shocking to me. Of course I want him to be happy. 'Really?' God asked me. Now, this conversation with God was getting more interesting than my argument with my husband and more distracting as well.

Finally, I had to admit that I didn't want him happy, I wanted him with me & his children where I thought he should be. He thought he was happy exactly where he was. What an eye opener! This began an 18 month journey that healed my heart and eventually our marriage. Make no mistake that it is still in the healing stages but it is definitely a healthy union. I give him the space to be him and I honor my needs and desires no matter how small.

Addicted to "Love"

I am in a relationship that is dishonoring to the woman that I AM. In this relationship I have allowed myself to be lied to, cheated on, manipulated, humiliated and abused. I fell in love with someone's spirit and overlooked the person attached to that spirit. Now, I am living with the results of this decision.

Why don't I leave? I have wondered the same thing myself for nine and a half years. Today, I realized that I stay because I am addicted. I stay because if I don't heal what brought me here, I will simply relive this nightmare in my next relationship. It is possible that I stay out of sheer habit. As I stated above, it has been over nine years.

I do not blame him for any of my pain. I now understand that he is simply incapable of being what I want him to be. . .what I require of a partner, lover and spouse. I wanted to force him into this role. I wanted to be with him so badly that I allowed myself to be treated poorly in order to be with him. I didn't value who I AM. I didn't understand that I am to be cherished and adored. Nor did I understand that if he didn't cherish, love and adore me that I should cherish, love and adore myself until the man that would cherish, love and adore me showed up.

It may seem to you that I blame myself for this mess. The truth is that I do not place blame. I accept responsibility for my part in this. I see the healing that I have done and the healing that still needs to be done. I also accept responsibility for the healing still needs to be done as well as for getting my needs met. I alone have that responsibility. If I do not make my needs known, they will not get met.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to endure such abuse. I forgive myself for not understanding my worth. I forgive myself for not valuing myself. I forgive myself for forgetting who I AM. I commit to adoring and cherishing myself for the rest of my life.

Selfish is NOT a Dirty Word

I know. We treat it as if it is. Telling someone they're selfish is about the worst insult one can give. I, however, plan to be incredibly selfish for the rest of my life. Yes, this is a good thing. Having a healthy dose of selfishness is the only way that you will have anything at all to contribute to anyone, anywhere at any time. I learned this lesson vividly since having my daughter.

I went back to work (against my better judgment) after seven weeks while she was still breastfeeding every two hours around the clock. I worked from home, so I didn't have a schedule or specific hours to keep me sane. Did I mention that there was cooking, cleaning and being a wife that I also had to contend with? After she was six months old, my job and I decided we were no longer a match for each other. Did I sit down and rest? No, I went back to school because I couldn't just do nothing. OK...any parent in the world (especially a mother who breastfed) will know that I was doing far from nothing. She was still nursing every two hours around the clock and not eating solid foods. No, this baby was not sleeping through the night yet.

Did I take any time for myself? No.

Eight months later, I found myself pregnant with my second child and going to school and caring for a toddler while my marriage was falling apart. Did I take any time for myself? Of course not. If I take time for myself, who will care for my daughter? Who will clean? Who will do the laundry, go grocery shopping or worry about all of the stuff that's not getting done and how to do it? A bit insane, I will admit, but don't pretend you haven't been there. I know you have.

So, I bet you're wondering in all of this, how I came to the conclusion that selfishness was not only OK, but a good thing. Well, I will tell you. One day, in the midst of a broken marriage, stress, final exams, loneliness, confusion, a sick (and therefore cranky) child and pregnancy hormones I lost it. Yep! Completely lost it. Threw some things, yelled, cried, screamed, cried, screamed some more and curled up in a ball to sob. The problem here is that I was completely alone with my daughter at the time. She wasn't in the room with me, but she was in the house. I had to quickly pull myself together when I realized that my husband did indeed walk out the door and leave me his daughter playing in another room while her mother was huddled crying in a corner alone, so that I would be able to take care of her. The problem is that I couldn't take care of her. It took HUGE amounts of strength not to cry at every second. Finally, over the course of the next two days, he cared for her while giving me the space to lose my mind while knowing she was taken care of.

I realized, in the midst of all of this, that I only have me. My children only have me to take care of them and if I am empty, I have nothing to give them. I cannot care for them properly if I have not properly cared for myself. In the emotional state that I was in, I had absolutely nothing to give my daughter. I could hardly breathe without crying. That was no state in which to care for a child, especially a toddler. I must be selfish and take time to care for myself in order to properly care for those I love.

You are a vessel of love. Your job is to pour love into the world; specifically into the lives of your loved ones and friends. You cannot give what you do not have. If you are empty because you have given all of your love away, you must take the time to replenish. Otherwise, you will be pouring from an empty vessel. Not to mention that there may come a time when the vessel cracks from continually trying to squeeze something from it that's not there.

Be boldly and unapologetically selfish! It's the only way to live and love.

Forever?

Today, a beloved teacher and dear, dear friend of mine reminded me of a very important lesson; nothing in life is forever. I have stayed away from making decisions for fear of making the wrong decision. What if...? That question comes around to haunt us more than we'd like to admit. What if I decide to stay in this relationship and it doesn't improve? What if I decide to leave and realize that I made a mistake? What if I leave this job and cannot find another? What if I stay here (and am miserable) for 25 years and get fired 6 months before retirement? What if I confront my friend about how I feel and I lose my friendship with her? What if I don't and I lose my personal power from shrinking away?

How do you handle 'What if...'? Make a decision. Whatever the decision, you can always change it later if you find that you are unhappy. After all, the goal in this life is to be happy. I know, that sounds terribly selfish. The truth is, it is selfish and we should be selfish, but that's a topic for another enrty. :) Nothing is forever. You are entitled to change your mind...make a new decision. If you don't like where you are, move. It's that simple. Simple and easy are not synonymous, however. When I say simple, I mean uncomplicated, uncluttered, direct. Easy implies that it does not take energy, effort and courage. This is not the case by any means. To make a new decision requires that you acknowledge that your original decision did not work the way you planned. You made a mistake. I know, that's a bad word. We will, however, all make them over and over again. I tell my daughter to make lots of mistakes as long as she learns from them. That's what we are here for. We are here to have experiences. It is not fair to our journey to run from or avoid experiences for fear of making a mistake. We get infinite mulligans in this game. Play your heart out.

Intend

So...I've registered for my last semester of classes. I have my schedule exactly as I want it to be. My financial aid was approved early. Everything was in place, except childcare for my 1 year old daughter. She is not old enough to go to the daycare at school. My husband and I are not financially equipped to use an agency to hire a nanny, yet. So, what did I do? I cried.

Then I took the time to get really clear on what I wanted. Here's what I came up with:

I choose to be quickly connected with an available, fiercely reliable childcare provider that my husband, daughter and I love. We are able to pay her top rate for her services.

Guess how long it took for this to come into my life... Go on, guess. OK, I'll tell you. Within an hour, I had the perfect person, who would not only care for my daughter while I was in school, but who would also take me to school and pick me up again after class. I LOVE my life!

Where are your intentions? Are they clear? How do you know if thery're clear...? Look around your life. Do you have whatever it is that you say you want? If the answer is no, you aren't clear and allowing.